I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
