Can i not drive my cunt home
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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