it was like eating out sand paper
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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