just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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