i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
