Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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