Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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