the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
