fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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