i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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