Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
