it was like his penis was on wheels.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Randomize
