I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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