omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
high people should be assigned attendants
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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