please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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