Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
