We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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