It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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