so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
