So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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