Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
