you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just googled if crying burns calories
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
