I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
