i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
