mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
