ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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