Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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