Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
