Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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