I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
