I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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