I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
