you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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