I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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