Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
