You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
