No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
