You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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