Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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