I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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