So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There's always time for handjobs
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
