Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
