I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
