If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
