What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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