you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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