I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
