I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and she was petting her beer can
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
