Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
