his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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