did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
