Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
