I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
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There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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