omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
