if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
