I will die if light touches me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
