You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
