I hope mine doesn't look like that
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
