textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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