The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
