why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
